Paranoia
by Howling Dragon 24
Summary: Don't you just hate it when you're paranoid? Always looking over your shoulder afraid of everything and everyone and- OH GOD WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? Warning Riku/Sora. Sort of interesting yet funny content. Written in first person, yet completely strange
1. Ch1 Look I just have no clue

a/n: Yeeeaaahhh I don't own any of the characters unless my mind suddenly explodes and I throw someone in that I shouldn't but figured it would be funny anyways.

* * *

Okay, let's get this straight, I don't know how it happened so don't ask. I woke up and I was paranoid that's the entire story! THERE IS NO BACKGROUND TO IT. Currently my life felt like a horror movie where if I didn't look behind me every few seconds something would latch on me and rip me apart. Then again I currently had the paranoia that any second now my desk would explode and something would eat my face. I was fairly sure at this point that my entire class was out to kill me. Zombies, Vampires, Were-wolves, anything that could really hurt and most people wouldn't seem coming, probably even a few heartless, though now Riku just referred to them as Teachers.

I looked over my shoulder, the other students were talking happily awaiting the start of class, so far no movements to kill me… Yet. I wish I had brought a shotgun, seems extreme to you but if zombies were about to attack I'd want a boomstick, I'd settle for the Keyblade I guess, but when facing anything that isn't a heartless or nobody, you'd sort of want something else though blunt objects do work. Either way when fighting that which can be considered the walk dead or end of the world bringers or just wild animals I guess, you sort of want a gun, a big one at that. If video games and horror movies have taught me anything it's that the bigger the gun, the more likely you are to live, or if you have a chainsaw, they were very good for the use against walking hordes of death. However sadly Riku maintained his current obsession, keeping me in school, which meant not getting expelled and probably arrested… Stupid Riku being all logical and stuff… denying my need of defensive items to defend myself against the zombies.

He just wrote it off as an irrational fear… I'll show him irrational. But against my better judgment he "convinced" me to leave my defense at home… He was a very convincing guy on the weekends when we were alone in a room… Very convincing indeed. So I sat in the middle of a Physics class with talking students still sure any moment a zombie would latch onto my head and rip my flesh away. Oh joy. Eventually though I couldn't stand keeping my eyes off him any longer… Will power fails sometimes. As always he sat in the desk to my left staring at his notes waiting for our teacher to show, Captain Wingbag.

"Sora," he didn't even look at me, "what are you thinking? You hear head is whipping around like an ADD dog in a new place filled with toys and food."

"That was bad even for you," I muttered.

"Okay ADHD," He smiled and I could feel someone fain. Stupid bloody 'Can't argue with' award winning smile that forces one to smile back and causes people to faint. I was used to the fangirling by now, I mean I had no reason to care if there was one thing I knew it was that Riku was happily gay. However this time I had to look over my shoulder and look at the girls. Paranoia doesn't come with a gay sense apparently; it was only good at making crazy conclusions about things that don't make sense to most people. I'M TELLING YOU THEY MAKE SENSE AND I CAN PROVE IT! But of course Paranoia came with fear, chance and so on… Wow being paranoid sucks I mean it doesn't even give you anything cool it just makes you look like an idiot. I MEAN COME ON! I can't even have a conversation with myself! I only get to destroy my neck and use Riku as a Meat Shield!

Class started, I didn't pay attention. Paranoia topped Physics any day… Despite it's lacking social add-ons like talking to yourself. I ended up figuring out who was what I got up to seven zombies who only disguised themselves by bathing in perfume and cologne, to the point I'd sure I die with choking, seriously the rotting dead smell would feel better. THEY FAIL AT HIDING THEMSELVES! Five vampires, I was still trying to figure out how they hid so well… ONE OF THESE DAYS I SHALL KNOW! YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER! Two Werewolves, I'd say they were just Furries but they didn't seem to be obsessed with sex. Though I could be wrong I was still fairly sure on the were-wolf part. I was also fairly sure one kid was Frankenstein's creation… I SWEAR HE TOOK HIS ARM OFF ONCE! I SWEAR! I'M NOT INSANE! The other eight students I wasn't sure on but I'd figure it out soon enough… It was only a matter of time.

Riku sighed clearly figuring out what was going through my mind, then again at the rate my head was whipping around I'm fairly sure most people figured out I was insane. After looking around, having issues staying still the class did eventually class ended.

"You know not everyone is out to kill you," Riku said as we started to walk out offering me some sheets of paper, "I took an extra copy of notes for you."

"Thanks," I shot a glance over my shoulder.

"Tell me when you get whiplash from that," he laughed happily.

"I can't help it!" I yelled, "It feels like something wants me dead.

"Okay how many horror movies did you watch last night?" Riku asked as we continued to walk. We put our books away at some point but I was out of it.

"None."

Riku sighed realizing my paranoia was still getting to me as I did a full 360 in the hall… I couldn't help an entire PACK of werewolves walked past me. I MEAN COME ON HOW DO YOU NOT DEFEND YOURSELF FROM THAT!? Luckily Riku grabbed my books for my next class as he asked me another question, "How much Resident Evil?"

"I beat RE4 last week, I don't care about the other games."

"Nice," he replied with a half smile he had finished it for a while but I had to admit for a zombie yet non-zombie horror game RE4 defiantly won in terms of awesome, mostly because Leon was a hero I could actually like, "Half-life? Portal?"

"Haven't played either in a while. Though have you ever questioned why they symbol for the game Half-life is the symbol for waves yet the actually symbol for half-life for physics isn't?"

"Not really," Riku replied continuing with his questions, "Bioshock?"

"Wouldn't that make me afraid of little girls and deadly drills of death?"

"I don't know how your mind works," Riku laughed again, "It makes less sense then Vampire the Masquerade."

I stayed silent.

"Oh God," Riku groaned, "You joined another World of Darkness group!"

"Maybe…" World of Darkness was a book and dice game done by White Wolf. It was based strongly on mystery and problem solving with a lot of horror.

Riku restrained himself from hitting his head on a wall," Stop doing this to yourself."

That's when I saw him, long white hair, an annoying voice and obsessed with darkness. Ansem. I blinked watching him walk down another hall as we passed.

"Sora?" Riku asked.

"Did you see…?"

"What another vampire?"

"Ansem."

"Close enough," Riku laughed, "Ansem the wise or insane dead Ansem?"

"Insane."

"Yes, yes you are," Once more he laughed. "He's gone Sora, he's not coming back."

I was sure I saw him as we continued to walk down another hall, once more I looked over my shoulder.

"That will get on my nerves really quickly," Riku mutterd.

"I swear I saw him," I replied.

"Right," he rolled his eyes we had reached our next class. I hadn't really paid attention when we dropped our books away and prepared for the one class that could possibly with any lick calm me down… Unless we got a really crappy sub which wasn't often. Either way band was kick butt for calming nerves, the class was full of people I liked and even if they were vampires, zombies, werewolves, and so on, they wouldn't kill me! I KNOW IMPOSSIBLE!? Zombies and Vampires that DON'T kill people!? No one kills another band member, natural rule.

Riku set up his silver trumpet, brand new, his own and out did everything about my ordinary school reject. The silver was polished and reflected light, which I had seen him, used to see his music once… It was sort of funny to watch. He put his black case away, just as perfect as the trumpet. It honestly felt like he was out to outdo me. My ordinary school trumpet, over used, and possibly more dents then trumpet… I don't know how that's possible but if you saw this thing, it is. It was scratched up all over, and its tone no where near as good as Riku's but better then my alternative… A Kazoo. The case was basically duct tape, with another layer of duct tape, a couple of layers of possibly masking tape and oh joy more duct tape… Did I mention the duct tape? There was lot, a least five rolls holding together the other five rolls. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME EITHER OKAY!?

"This should be fun," Riku muttered as I sat down beside him, "sounds like we got a sub."

…Don't you just hate how some things work out?

Subs weren't bad in any class accept band. They had a habit of under estimating the band, which annoyed us until they accepted we knew what we were doing better then they did, which didn't happen often normally they just remained ignorant. Even with this unlikely, rather disappointing event I felt my paranoia leaving me for just a bit I didn't have to look over my shoulder, as strange as it was there was a connection with the band, we stuck together we could pick on each other but no one else messed with us. No one messed with our team when we were together.

Joke fights broke out as Riku leaned casually back in his seat I grinned and laughed along with the group. Riku yelled a few jokes across the room, it felt good to be "normal" as normal as a band student could be. We were all hyper, friendly and I'm fairly sure most of us were fairly insane after a few incidents that involved, silly string and water-guns.

Only thing I could be afraid of here was dropping my trumpet, knocking stands over, tripping, having the conductor lose control and whip his baton at me, valve oil in the eye, percussion players hitting the snare to hard causing a reaction that sent the stick flying at my head, a trombone player losing control of their slide that happened to be aimed towards me, getting my hand stuck inside my trumpet. All rational fears! CLEARLY!

The bell rang, but like anyone cared, the band was always considered "early" since we were all happy to be Band Geeks. Thus we waited for the sub to show while others talked happily.

"So how many vampires in band?" Riku laughed as we waited.

"Only the percussion players," I grinned normally I would have hit him over the head for such a thing but I was so calm now I didn't care. Paranoia lost to band.

"This sub better show soon I'm bored," Riku complained.

"Knowing you you'll burst into song and get an entire band to entertain us," I snickered happily.

"Well I could get a guitar tuned up in a few seconds, and I'm sure I can convince a few others to join in," Riku grinned, "I can always take lead as long as the percussion keep a beat, and the base hits the cords we could carry an entire song."

"What song would you choose?" I asked.

"Probably When You Were Young," Riku grinned, "Rock band has trained enough people to play the percussion part that the base would be easy enough to get going and I know the guitar part. Though I could do a Cartel song but those are less known so it would be harder to get a group working on it. There are so many choices."

"Right," I smirked, "So how would you fill in all the parts? Not everyone can keep the harmony going or really anything else."

"Simple it's me," He grinned back, "if I have to I'll take the hardest part and teach someone the cords quickly."

"Okay honestly is there any instrument you can't play?" I asked rolling my eyes.

"Flugelhorn," Riku said… God only knows how he kept a straight face when saying that.

"Wait what?"

"Flugelhorn," Riku replied his face still straight, "Mostly because I've never tried it, and yes I'm serious."

"It sounds like it was named by Dr. Seuss," Well it did.

"That's okay, it looks like it was made by Dr. Seuss," Riku grinned, "I think the school even has one in working in order. I should find it."

"What DOES it look like?" Okay silly question I mean something made by Dr. Seuss? That's just asking for it.

"A deformed trumpet," Once more straight face, "I really should try it."

"Right," I had to laugh at that. I could only imagine Riku as a Who in the Grinch that Stole Christmas… That image will haunt me for the rest of my life… NIGHTMARES FOR ALL!

"What's taking the fresh meat so long?" Riku asked he got bored quickly when he had a trumpet right there, and no one starting a song… Mostly I think it was he liked to show off. Riku had always held a lot of control in the band anyone, be they a sub or a new student was just "fresh meat" to him, they either conformed to his will or they were out very quickly… He was intimidating with his trumpet I had to admit, he played it fro the power and the feeling of leadership… Mostly he just didn't like to follow people and wanted the melody so to do that it was either Clarinet, Flute or Trumpet. That's where the power came in. Most people didn't leave when they met him they easily conformed… Stupid Charismatic personality making everyone like him instantly thus causing the badn to double in size easily.

"Who knows, you could always make the trombones conduct and the lead the band through practice," I smirked.

"Didn't we do that once?"

"Yep," we had done it once when the usual teacher was taking to long in his office, so Riku had convinced a trombone player to get up and conduct the song using the slide of the trombone.

"I'll admit it is tempting," He grinned again but it faded quickly as he looked past me, turning his look into one of shock and horror.

PARANOIA TIME!? IS PARANOIA TIME ALREADY?! HUZAH PARANOIA TIME!

I followed his gaze, God I hate it when I'm right. "Told you so," was all I could choke out as I laid eyes on our sub.

Ansem as a substitute was just weird and creepy all at once, but being paranoid as I was see him walking into the class caused me nightmares… In the day… Daymares.

"This is wrong on so many levels," Riku muttered sinking into his chair.

Ansem's eyes traveled right to us, YEP HE REMEMBERD US! He was actually glaring at us as soon as he entered the room to the point where I dropped my trumpet. I bent over carefully to get it as Ansem walked to the front of the band. About then I heard the snare get hit, hard from the intensity of the sound.

"SORA LOOK OUT!" Riku yelled.

It startled me and all at once I lost grip on the trumpet the mouth piece side fell down first but I went to grab the bell be fore it hit the ground. I had it for a second only I was hit forward by sudden intensity caused by impact of a drumstick hitting the back of my head. Sadly this caused my hand to slide nicely into the bell of my trumpet.

First off, OW OH GOD OW! THOSE THINGS HUT! It was weighted heavily on one part which had hit my head the other side was light but I had shot up right away and OH GOD! If you ever get hit with a drumstick don't shoot up until you hear it hit the ground FOR GODS sake. It got caught between my back and the back of the chair as I shot up. OH GOD THE PAIN!

Second off, hands plus Trumpet bell equal bad.

"…Riku?"

"Are you okay," Riku leaned toward me worried.

"…My hand is stuck…" No I was serious.

"…How the hell?" He clearly trying to hold back a laugh, I couldn't blame him, by the next class everyone would be laughing at this.

"Look I don't know how, just help me!" I snapped as Ansem spoke to the class. Riku got up and walked to one of the trombone players whispering something. He soon returned with a small round white container.

"What is that?" I asked trying to get my hand free… Okay seriously how could it get THIS stuck?

"Slide cream," He was trying not to laugh again but he held his own and had a poker face within seconds. He opened the container and carefully put the slide cream around my hand and one the trumpet. He eventually got me free, faster then I would have. "You'd better go wash off your hand and clean your trumpet, that smell will travel up the bell into your mouth and that's not pleasant… Well unless you plan to get your hand stuck again." He grinned… Urge to hurt rising…

"Haha," I rolled my eyes. There was a hall attached to the band room that lead to the practice rooms, it was in the far corner, far away from my seat in the back row so I walked around to it trying to convince myself no one was watching… I fail at lying to myself… At the end of the hall was a sink and some paper towels. There was a loud tuning note and not long after a song started while I wiped away the cream. I knew the song well, easy for a trumpet player, for the trombones, who I was certainly thankful for today, both hated it and loved it all at once. Okay they're weird, honestly I won't try to explain anything about them because apparently weird instruments attract weird people. Trombones were certainly weird instruments. The song constantly had them going from what they call their first position was basically closest to them, to their sixth which was second farthest, near the end of the slide. I had no clue how they did it. The song made them go rapidly back and forth at a blinding speed; their hands were basically blurs with speed when they went at it. I could see why they hated it, I swear their arms would dislocate themselves any second.

The song suddenly stopped with Ansem's yelling, "FASTER! You call that fast!? Get those trombones in my face come on! Try standing up get better support I want that to over power everything. I want those things in my face so I can see the darkness of the inside of the bell!"

Oh joy, he was still obsessed with darkness. I had gotten the grease off my hand and got my trumpet clean, well as clean as I could considering the years of abuse it had endured. If my worst nightmare wasn't outside waiting I would have stopped to mourn for its tone. Stupid grade 10's got new ones but nooo the senior band members got the gimped stuff still. Maybe all of the years of silly string did add up to something… and the water-gun fights in the halls of hotels... NOPE! Clearly this was purely favoritism. He clearly wanted to make the grade 10 players feel special! CLEARLY!

I walked back to the room, possibly a very bad mistake on my part considering my luck. I checked for the walking dead they'd probably show up the second I didn't check thus checking was important, it stopped things that might happen from happening!

"Faster!" Ansem has started the song again and once more was yelling at the trombone players who were forced to stand with their trombones held high. Today's goal for Ansem: dislocate someone's arm. Clearly he was out to succeed this time, a keyblade could not stop this.

I walked behind him to go around, it was the easiest way back the trumpet section. I looked away for only a moment I swear! Then I was on the ground.

Ow.

Recap time! Trombone player one was nervous and working too hard, causing sweat. Forcing to aim the trombone up, which left no defense between the slide and myself. The player moved from first position to sixth, the momentum continued as the grip slipped. The slide hit the side of my head. As I laid face down in pain I suddenly felt a very very light pressure on my back as something landed there… A conductor's baton… I swear someone had a list of my fears, and checked them off. Paranoia was just pure mean.

I got up, most people didn't know what to do or think. Luckily no one made a big deal of it... Yet. So class continued, but the story would come back to haunt me.

Eventually class did end, I'M NOT DEAD YET! SCORE ONE FOR ME!

To early?

YEP!

Sadly during pack up I knocked over an entire row of stands, while tripping, and sadly my landing was on… OH JOY an open thing of valve oil. My hand hit it and it happily made friends with my eye. Isn't that a nice story? Let me now take the moment to say one thing…

OH GOD IT BURNS! GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT! THE PAIN OF BLOODY HELL IT BURNS! I don't know what hurts more staring into the sun for an hour or the burning pain of valve oil. OH GOD OW!

Do… Not… EVER… use that stuff… on anything that isn't a instrument. FOR GODS SAKE! It's as painful as stabbing yourself in the eye with a pen… SEVERAL TIMES! OH BLOODY OW!

"You have no luck today," Riku leaned on the counter as I tried to stop the pain, he had half dragged me to the washroom.

"Luck? What is this luck you speak of?" I splashed my water on my face, the pain was dieing, "I wonder how long before something serious happens."

"Don't worry about it," Riku replied in thought, "I'm not gonna let anything to bad happen to you."

"Right, was that your valve oil?" I asked staring at him as I got a paper towel allowing the cold-water soak into it then holding it to my burning eye.

"Ironically enough it was yours," He replied.

Just my luck.

"I need to get a retraining order on Ansem," Riku hopped onto the counter. It was currently lunch and to my luck we were the only ones in the washroom at the time so no one else has to see my currently red eye.

"I still told you," I muttered.

"Okay it's creepy, doesn't mean anything though," Riku replied, "can you see?"

"Yeah, that was the eighth most painful thing I've ever had happen though," I replied looking at myself in the mirror red eyes are fun. "Well this should be fun to explain to everyone."

"Not really," Riku snickered, "I mean it is you. People have come to expect this."

I punched him in the arm as we walked out. He only smiled and ruffled my hair… CURSE YOU HEIGHT CAUSING HIM TO BE TALLER THEN ME! CURSE YOU!

"Let's get something to eat," Riku grinned seeing my frustration with the hair ruffling, "it is lunch after all."

"Right," Okay I hate to admit it but I stared up at him and lost myself in his eyes… Was this how the girls in the school felt when they saw him? No wonder they wanted me dead! Yeah being paranoid and considering my luck I probably didn't want to think like that currently… Still at least now it made sense. I had to admit I always had the fear that Riku would abandon me for some strange reason, but I knew him better then I knew my paranoia… Still the eyes of everyone in the Cafeteria as we walked in started to make the Paranoia stronger then my common sense.

"How the hell do you always eat so much yet keep your shape?" I asked as Riku enjoyed at least twice as much as I had.

"Two things, I work out, and high metabolism. Both work nicely in my favor thus I can eat all this and still cause people heart attacks," Same old grin.

"Weirdo."

"That you are but that's not my point," He laughed again, "so where to this weekend?"

"I don't know."

"Hey guys!" Kairi, the only girl who wouldn't faint if Riku said a word to them, "Sora what did you do this time?"

"What?"

"Your eye its red!" Kairi yelled sitting down across from me, we had our food and our own table as usual, and as usual Kairi joined us for the first half of lunch.

"He was busy being Sora in band around valve oil," Riku answered. When did he have time to eat half of his lunch and yet I hadn't started? I MEAN REALLY!

"Oh," Kairi said and shrugged… Is it wrong that this didn't surprise her at all? AM I THAT MUCH OF A CLUTZ!? I MEAN SERIOUSLY!?

I stared at her, not needing to say anything about the situation before Riku added in another comment, "You are the idiot who tried to balance a wall scroll on your head while it was in its package."

"You're the one who gave me sugar that day," I argued.

"That was funny as hell to watch though. I don't regret a second of it," He was leaning back in his seat stretching it smiling at his memories.

"OH I remember that!" Kairi added in laughing.

"Gee thanks guys," Didn't I have such loving friends? But really this is more about paranoia then anything else.

"You guys wanna hit a movie tonight?" Kairi asked.

"What movie?" Riku asked. Both of us had gone to several of the movies but we went through the entire list.

((Seriously I just went a movie listing site and went through them all.))

"Bolt?"

"Seen it, wasn't bad but I'll wait for the DvD," I replied starting in on my lunch. Luckily I was paranoid of poison in my food at least no yet so I didn't care what I was eating as Riku finished his without me noticing.

"The Day the Earth Stood Still?" Kairi asked.

"No," Riku said, "it sounds about as stupid as it looks."

"Yes Man?"

"I'm going to say no that," Sarcastic comments and really bad puns!? Yeah this sounds like an ordinary conversation.

((A/N: Warning, Twilight bashing to come please find the next line to skip.))

* * *

"Twilight?"

"Okay I've come to three conclusions on that movie. I've heard reviews from people who liked the books and they hated it so it's either. A. Like any book turned into a movie thus it's just bad. B. It actually showed them what they were reading. Or C. It's actually a good movie considering what the people who like the books like. I'm sticking with option A or B though," Riku was explaining his usual rant, "I'll see it in a cheap theater with a group of friends who can just laugh and mock it every ten seconds. Because it only deserves to be laughed at and harmed badly and probably set on fire."

Kairi made the mistake of getting defensive, "Edward is hot."

"A guy who bathes in powder is hot now?" Riku asked, "They are the most whimpy vampires in existence. It's like World of Darkness fanfiction filled with suck and no mages thus making it suck more. I'm sorry I'd rather shoot myself in the head then take it seriously, because that's about how painful it is to read. It makes less sense then Vampire Masquerade but more sense then Sora's mind."

"Hey!" I argued, my mind was not THAT messed up… I mean it was fairly messed up but it made more sense then Vampire the Masquerade!

"Your mind makes less sense then Myst, deal with it," Riku turned on Kairi again ready to continue his insulting spree on the books… Average day. I knew Riku had the books to only laugh at them, he had actually took a red pen and found every mistake in the book and wrote notes on what should have happened about every page had a "WTH?" written on it. He also pointed where it should have ended… I mean the first page of it was filled with cracks on "Forks"… Who names a town "Forks"? I mean what is it in the state of Dinner Table with the Capital Spoon? Weird names, weirder book… I guess it made sense in the end. I had to agree it was a prreeeeetttyyyy bad series all on its own.

"In fact I think shooting myself in the head would be more entertaining," Riku said again.

"It's good!" Kairi yelled but it was to late she was to far deep to back out now and she just went deeper. Arguing with Riku on any topic would normally end badly unless you knew how to use loopholes while he used loopholes, eventually either he'd get tangled or you'd get tangled but those arguments were rare. Normally he'd tangle you before you could find the loophole in his argument… I personally blame the fact that when he was winning he had that smile that ticked you off and calmed you down all at once thus causing confusion making fighting impossible! …Bloody cheater.

Riku turned to me with a sarcastic look and sarcasm thick in his voice as he started his reenactment of the books, "Bella we can't be together and I can't tell you why even though I have pale skin, sunken in eyes and never go out into the daylight while having my eyes change colors at random times and an aura that causes everyone else fear yet no one knows why but you're attracted to it and I travel with other people like me! AND STILL NO ONE CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT I AM!"

I took my role as usual… We had done this far to often, "Oh Edward you're clearly Superman! Which is sort of hot!"

"You're an idiot and I laugh at you!'

"The computers and random people tell me you're a vampire which should scare me but I find that so bloody hot! That's more hot then being superman! Because that means that when you put on your glasses I won't get confused at who you are because you don't wear glasses!"

"I won't deny it! I LIKE TOFU!"

"OMG NO WAIH!"

"Yes waih."

"So do you sleep in coffins and sunlight kills you!?"

"NO I DENY ALL VAMPIRE LORE! And I sparkle making me even more awesome."

"NO WAIH!"

"YES WAIH! I take all that makes vampires awesome and forget all about it and pretend I'm awesome which I'm not! I can read minds all but yours because you're weird!"

"OMG I'M WEIRD!?"

"YES YOU ARE!"

"NO WAIH!"

"YES WAIH!"

"Edward I defy all reason and want to tell you I love you even though its dangerous for my health and every second I'm tormenting you because you want to drink my blood and I'm slowly destroying what little self control you have!"

"Bella my love!" Riku reached his arms out as I jumped in. At this point I didn't care who was watching.

"OMG!"

"Quickly let's forgot all the things you'd think would make sense just so we can stretch this out for as long as I can! Because there are other creepy things I can do other then stalking you and breaking into your house at night to watch you sleep! Then I'll talk you into crazy insane things and you won't deny me because if you do I'll simply sparkle in the sunlight or make you forget!"

"That should turn me off but it doesn't! It turns me on even more!"

"Quickly let's enjoy this controversial moment! MARRY ME!"

"Only if you make sweet love to me!"

"SCORE!"

"And I won't remember thing right!?"

"Nothing at all!" Riku suddenly turned to Kairi taking a more serious role, "And thus they make several sequels just like that about a cheerleader wanna-be who is suicidal and a vampire who needs to get hurt. So clearly it is all, SPARKLY VAMPIRES AND TECHNICOLOR WEREWOLVES! SPARKLY SPARKLY SPARKLE!? DID I MENTION THEY SPARKLE! It possibly also follows Freud's psychology, at least the parts that have to deal with things like sex."

"I hate you both right now," She was laughing as we finished.

((Okay I'm done bashing... For now… I mean that's honestly what it is. Yes I read it just to laugh… I mostly whimpered and watched my IQ drop… Seriously I went down 5-7points by chapter 13 and the second book made me wish someone would do me a favor and take out my brain now. Those books are like having a lobotomy only without a degree to give it. Yes insulting them is one of the most fun things I've done all year. It needs someone to rip it apart because it's just bad. If they release a Riftrax for it, I will buy the DvD and Riftrax and have the time of my life. Sorry to anyone who likes the books but face it it's the very very very very basic of Freud Psychology mixed with a vampire who doesn't know what his personality is...))

* * *

"Quantum Solace?" She finally continued.

"Saw it," I replied. "Though watching that first fight scene again wouldn't be bad I had no clue what was going on for the first half."

"The car chase was good at least," Riku added in.

"Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa?"

"I don't need that song stuck in my head again or Sora singing it," Riku glared… Annoying Riku, the favorite pass time of everyone who knew him but then again I now always remembered the line "If looks could kill." In Riku's case it was more like a spine snapping glare… I don't know how many times he had snapped my spine with the glare but it was either spine snapping or laser beams, one of the two!

"Tale of Despereaux?"

"…The what?" I asked… I hadn't watched movie previews in a while for good reasons, some movies out really sucked I mean after getting (Warning spoilers) hyped up for the last Indiana Jones movie with the Crystal Skull, I sort of no realized how far movies fell, "Hey guys I've got an idea we've had Indie go up against all these religions, let's do Scientology!" I mean I could handle that fact it was aliens but then they took the glove off and slapped you for the first part of the movie with it… Then pulled out a two by four going "CAN YOU TELL IT'S ALIENS YET CAN YOU!?" Considering the last person I'd seen use a two by four like that was Cloud, the movie shocked me then made Riku insert his head on the edge of the seat in front of him, which was empty at the time asking if it was over yet. I could only groan and tell him no and that there was still someone who wasn't convinced it was aliens.

"Let's just say yes," Riku added in, "Otherwise we'll be here all day insulting movies."

"Sounds good," I agreed having no idea what I just agreed to. Which normally is a bad idea, I do not suggest agreeing to anything that you're not sure about, because for all you know you could have just sold your kidney… Well that's a new fear on my list. My head started racing through everything that could happen, this wasn't even paranoia anymore, I think I had a phobia of everything and anything… That fountain over there looks like it could explode… Even though it's outside… BUT IT COULD EXPLODE AND FALL THROUGH THE ROOF!

SUDDEN PAIN!? IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!? SINCE WHEN!? ... Ow… Wait that didn't feel like a fountain exploding and landing on me… That was a lighter then normal (Yes it happens many times a day... I think my IQ is starting to drop because of it) hit on the back of my head made by a plastic lunchroom tray… Wielded by Riku….

"Did you have to hit me over my head with that thing?"

"Yes."

…At this rate I'll develop a fear of plastic trays as well... God only know what else could have been- ...he hit me again...

"You're being paranoid."

"STOP HITTING ME WITH THAT THING!"

"Only when you stop being paranoid of every little thing, I WILL go and buy my own plastic tray to hit you with."

"Or you'll use a head covered book."

"Don't tempt me."

With that we laughed and walked out of the lunch room... This was going to be a long day... I was sooooo going to have a heart attack by the end. Stupid Paranoia.


	2. Ch2 Ninjombies? WHAT THE HELL?

A/N: I'm going to say now: This chapter was really fun to write and that I don't own anything

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You'd think any person could survive one afternoon even when they happened to be afraid of everything and positive everyone was out to get them, but no! I think everything and everything that could happen did happen! If it wasn't for the fact that is was Friday I think I would have asked someone knock me out for the rest of the week. I MEAN FOR GODS SAKE I HAD A DESK IMPLODE INFRONT OF ME!

Don't believe me? Here's the recap.

First Math. As if Trig and algebra weren't already life-threatening lessons, I had a graphing calculator… Battery Acid is not my friend. The four triple A batteries randomly decided to explode. Then I could only whimper as I dropped the calculator and it got ran over by a chair! WHO RUNS OVER A CALCULATOR WITH A CHAIR!? I mean those things are expensive! I mean I remember the years when you could buy a calculator at a dollar store and then cracking that open wasn't so bad because who cared. But come on this one had video games programmed onto it and everything! It was the ultimate boredom killer!

Clearly no more damage could be done after I found out one of my tests, possibly one of the hardest I had written, was suddenly lost and I had to rewrite it! So math went by with less pain of course without Riku to joke around… Stupid IB math student leaving me alone to suffer... I had to check over my shoulder ever 3 seconds… 10 seconds was too long.

Then came English… As I said my desk imploded. I was sitting there and suddenly it split and collapsed. There's no other way to explain it! NONE!

Now I was in a parking lot, jumpy as ever. Which easily meant I was ticked when I leaned against Riku's car waiting for him. Why was he late this time? I hated it when he was slow. Why did I have to car pool with him today? I mean normally it was fun to car pool with him on any other day. Once both of us went a gaming place, we got out around midnight and started to head home. Riku wanted to take a different path to explore. We ended up on a highway where all the streetlights were out. Riku had his iPod plugged into a speaker and both of us were on what we called a "Gaming high" I'm fairly sure we would have given someone a heart attack if anyone had seen us. Playing music loudly, singing, head banging, the windows open as the wind rushed passed by keeping both of us awake. We looked like we were high. I admit that right now, I looked like I was high that night, sugar and video games with the music blasting. SENSE WAS GONE BEFORE IT COULD FIND US!

So here I sat wondering where Riku was, and thus my mind got ready to wonder and try to figure where he was… Which as we all know would end badly.

I heard the sudden click and turned, Riku had his headphones on plugged into his iPod as he unlocked the car. Note to self: Look towards the school when waiting for someone, not away. You'll never see them any other way, and thus you'll get caught off guard.

"You ready to go?" Riku looked over at me clearly confused, mostly because I had been caught off guard to give him a lecture.

"WHERE WERE YOU!?" HUZAH IT CAUGHT UP TO ME! We were already in the car as he started it up and I began my outburst of questions and possibly random noises eventually.

"You know the girls at our school figured out how to set up a human barricade? Then they all decided to talk in front of my locker."

This could explain the crowd of girls looking out the window and gathering at the front of the car looking at him and giggling. However after seeing what Riku had no issue doing in the past, I was fairly sure he wouldn't go against scaring them and driving towards them if it got them off his case.

"After each one let out their 'hi Riku'," he continued trying to do a high school girl impression, "I finally got through after I said hi back… I think I talked to more girls then the actual number in our school."

"Wait you have stalkers from other schools now?" I asked looking at him.

"Apparently. Then there was this thing involving and Ansem and I won't go into details," He started to back out watching to see if one of the girls was stupid enough to jump in front of the car... Or well behind in this case. I guess they had a fantasy of being ran over by Riku, then having him panic and carry them to safety, probably continued to them waking in the hospital and him there asking for forgiveness trading anything for it. Ah the fantasies of fangirls, so much fun when you cross it over with the reality of the situation. Sadly the reality of the situation is Riku probably wouldn't care so much, he'd get them out of the way call the ambulance, tell them what happened take whatever charge they threw at him then go home and find something to eat. Cursive metabolism allowing him to eat whenever he wanted. However when the poor girl awoke she wouldn't find Riku there, just some old man in the bed across from them or something like that. At best Riku would get them a box of bad chocolates or a poorly made card that would say "Sorry I ran you over but you asked for it, please get glasses."

"Right… Wait thing with Ansem?" I asked. Hey I'm observant! Well for this one instant I am.

"Yeeeeaaahhh, about that…" He let out as he waited to turn onto the main road, the girls still watching his every movement. "Do you mind if we stop at my lawyers office first?"

"Why?"

"I need a restraining order quickly," Riku said, this time he was stopped at a red light, one of the many things he hated. Stupid red lights slowing us down.

"Right can I know what happened?" I asked… Actually I could pretty much imagine it. Gay perverted old man, and Riku in one hallway? Consider the fact that this guy got Riku into skintight leather, which apparently doesn't breathe as well as everyone says it does, and anyone who says it does is clearly lying. CLEARLY!

"I also wanted to stop by a few stores downtown," Riku added in.

"Alright let's go." We drove in silence for a while hitting the highway, which of course being a highway was the fastest way for us to get downtown… Eventually Riku reached a speed that made him grin happily… Speed and Riku a dangerous combination.

"Quickly turn on Highway to the Danger Zone," He suddenly said… That song scared me when we were actually driving on a highway with Riku at wheel. My sense of self-preservation often told me not to listen to him.

"I'd need an iPod that had that song to do that," I replied.

" Meh nuts I forgot to plug my iPod into the speakers before we left again," he muttered.

"Where is it?" I asked, I might as well do him a favor after his encounter with Ansem.

"In my back pocket." That complicated things just slightly.

" Wait, you're sitting on it?"

"My front one has a hole in it and the other one make the cord get in my way it was the only way to make sense of headphone cord! Also can you mend my pants?"

"Why do you automatically assume I can sew?" This wasn't going to end any time soon.

"Because you can. Now then you mind getting my iPod out?"

"NOW!? We're in the middle of the highway!"

"So?" He blinked as if that meant nothing. Reaching into his back pocket while going fast in a car, while he drove it… D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R and considering I'm disaster prone, it seemed like a really, REALLY bad idea.

"We're driving you idiot I'm not reaching into your back pocket to get your iPod!" I yelled at him he didn't seem to care.

"Do you have your iPod here?"

"Well… No." Aw nuts I don't like where this is going.

"Thus we need mine!" This is going to end badly.

"And how do you plan to plug it in while it's in your back pocket without killing us?"

"Simple I drive, you reach into my back pocket and get it."

"...This an entire trick to make me touch your butt."

"If I was that evil I would have put it in your back pocket as an excuse to touch your butt." He grinned at the thought… Well that's a new trap that I wasn't sure if I'd walk into happily or see if I could avoid or even disarm it.

"True but still! Why can't you get it?"

"Because I'm driving."

"Since when do you use both hands to drive? You only need your eyes and one hand!" His casual driving style was something I often lectured him on, and this one time he decided to follow my lectures!? OH COME ON! JUST SMITE ME ALREADY!

"Shush you, start getting that iPod I demand good music! Not this bad radio stuff!" Well the radio did suck most of the time, with its belief on what music was popular and what wasn't. Most songs became stupid after the twentieth time, so they figured they'd become unstupid by the twenty-first time, within a two-hour span! CLEARLY THAT MUST WORK!

"You get it!"

"You want to touch it just as much as I want you to."

"This is so wrong."

"And to think others wanted to car pool with us today!" Now that's a thought I didn't want to linger on, other people listening to this conversation. It was like being stuck in a bad sitcom on TV, or having someone find your diary and read it out loud, everyone being able to see your thoughts and feelings in black and white, just reading it. That really was disturbing.

"I'm going to hurt you the second this car stops."

"Right," He paused with a grin, "want to go to Disneyland?"

"...You can't make it on one tank of gas," I pointed out.

"Want to bet?"

"You can't make it in one day. You'll need to sleep eventually thus making you stop!" Okay a few words just for myself, Lost Argument, stop now.

"I can keep awake longer then you."

"I hate you and all you stand for." I'm an idiot.

"When did this go from talking about my butt to Disneyland?"

"I don't know."

"Right get the iPod I have a sudden desire to listen to It's A Small World," Riku said.

"You have that on your iPod?" I blinked at him.

"Yep."

"Why?"

"For occasions just like this!"

"You scare me."

"I know I do."

"What else do you have on there?"

"All of Phantom of the Opera."

"That doesn't surprise me." Well it didn't, I mean the music in Phantom of the Opera kicked butt. I'm fairly sure Riku spent his spare time trying to learn all the songs yet still haven't trouble with Masquerade, I have no clue how anyone could learn that song properly.

"Music of the Night is way to good to pass up," He added.

"Anything else I should know about?"

"Other then the usual songs? Nothing you'd want to know about."

"Alright then," I said.

"Ready?"

"No but might as well get this over with," I replied.

"GO GO GO!" He suddenly yelled pushing his body up still driving as he put his weight onto has back and balancing the rest on one foot so as not to push down on the gas or something stupid. I leaned over reaching into his pocket.

"OTHER ONE!" He yelled… Well his butt was pretty firm but eventually I found his iPod and he relaxed. "Well that was fun."

"I'm mending your pants when we get home," I said plugging his iPod in.

"Thought you'd warm up to that idea," Riku said with a sly grin, "Did you want to take them off or should I?"

"We'll discus that later," I glared at him finding a song to listen to, "you can focus on driving."

"Is it later yet?"

"DRIVE!"

"Fiiiinnneeee," Riku complained, he was starting to push his luck. "Look while we're downtown why don't we just hang out there, get something to eat then meet up with Kairi at the theater?"

"Because I look like a nerd in this outfit and want a hoodie badly it's going to be cold tonight!"

"You have me I'm far better then any hoodie!"

"Okay I still look like a nerd." There was an obsession in my family in making sure I looked correct while in school… It was worse then having a school uniform. Black dress pants, white collar T-shirt the works… While everyone else wore ordinary clothes and stared at me… I MEAN COME ON…

At least the dress pants hand pockets.

"And you're saying you're not a nerd?"

"And you're saying I should hurt you?"

"Fine we'll stop and get you some clothes, from one of my favorite stores."

"Why do I feel like I'll be stuck in a miniskirt if I let you do that?"

"Because you have it in your head that all that time with Ansem made me a sick twisted perv."

"He had you in a skirt." Well it was true… Not that I didn't enjoy it but that's beside the point!

"Exactly, thus you're positive I want to put you in skin tight leather and skirts," I hated it when he played with Psychology…

"Look why can't we just relax at my place for a bit?" I asked.

"Because we're already halfway to downtown and gas is expensive! THINK OF THE ENVIROMENT SORA AND THE ECONOMY!"

"…Don't those two hate each other? With a passion?" I had to admit gas was fairly expensive and… wait since when did Riku care about Fossil Fuels? Oh this soooo had to do with the skirt.

"Well yes but you know the consumption of Fossil Fuels is everyone's business!" Riku stated… He was imagining the skirt.

"Right, well I don't have enough money to buy a new outfit, only enough for tonight's movie and maybe a small drink," YAY MONEY ISSUES SAVING ME!

"Well then it'll be my gift to you, and I'll even pay for the movie and supper," Riku smiles and looked at me… I really wish he would keep his eyes on the road.

"What? NO!" I yelled, he had caught me off guard as usual.

"You're turning away a gift?" He frowned… As much as I hate to tell anyone, Riku enjoys abusing the puppy pout, that alone stabs at his almighty dignity and image, maybe I should start telling people…

…Will power… Starting to… Crack…

"Fine," WILL POWER WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!

"Alright first off let's get a restraining order! Then we can go SHOPPING!" You know Riku always creeped me out when he said "shopping" he had that look of a teenage girl who just stole their parents credit card… Riku plus shopping always leads to a scarring experience.

It didn't take long for Riku to get what he needed or so it felt for me apparently it took an hour and a half. Needless to say I sat in the car waiting for him listening to his iPod. Luckily the windows of his car were tinted so I didn't get strange looks as I air drummed to whatever happened to be playing. I leaned back into the chair just trying to relax and enjoy myself alone in the car waiting, luckily this sort of stuff normally takes its time, but time moves too quickly when I'm relaxed… Especially when I'm paranoid and finally don't have to realize it. RELAXING IS FUN!

"Now then," Riku said as he got back into the car tossing a folder of paper into the back seat, "let's go see what we can get into you!"

"Why do I feel like I'll regret this?" I muttered looking out the window.

"Awww you still don't trust me?" Riku leaned close… PERSONAL SPACE BUBBLE BEING INVADED BEGIN DEFENSIVE ABILITY!

"Get out of my face!"

...Puppy… Pout… Breaking… Through… Defense…

Without thinking my defense broke locking my arms behind his neck.

"Well this feel better," Riku muttered, "glad to see you're back to normal."

"I wouldn't call this normal," I muttered, "I'm still fairly sure someone's out to get me still."

"Would you feed better if I kept a crowbar in the car so you know it's not far off?" He grinned with a small chuckle at the thought.

"Crowbar, lead pipe, baseball bat, they all work," I smiled back releasing him, even then my mind went over them. You always need some sort of melee weapon in a zombie apocalypse otherwise when the zombies start to swarm you're pretty much messed unless you make an incendiary in time, but that was rare I mean short of shoving a cloth into a beer bottle which, worked fairly well when fighting a horde of zombies, there wasn't much chance. Not to mention until at least a week after the infection broke out no place would believe some teenager running in going "quick I need a beer, a match and a napkin" they'd ask for ID first and kick you out second… Or call the police. Either way at this point ability to pull out large blunt keyblade whenever needed equals win when attacked by zombies… Now if only I could tape a flashlight to it just incase…

"Heheh guess we're going to have to get your clothes from sport check then so you have some sort of defense just to calm your mind," Riku grinned again… He's to happy about these things I mean here I am panicking about a zombie attack and here he is pretending the apocalypse will never happen! At least ONE of us read the Zombie survival guide, I could save us both from being infected! I WILL LEAD THE GROUP OF SURVIVORS TO SAFETY!

…My mind is a very scary place to be right now… Sucks to be you having to listen to this but at least you're warned and know how to defend yourselves now with my minds brilliance about these sorts of attacks… ZOMBIES!

I had to admit though going to a sports store wouldn't be that bad, a nice pair of sweat pants and a T-shirt was all I really needed plus he was right plenty of weaponry there… Hockey Sticks, Baseball bats, I could use a canoe as a battering ram! There are even some bows, then again I failed at using bows… Wonder how Riku's aim was… That's it if I went and played tank at the front wearing either football gear or maybe some hockey pads and stuck to melee in front, Riku could pick them off with a bow! Thus if an army did attack we'd have a strategy to handle them! BRILLIANT I TELL YOU!

Riku stopped, exactly as he promised before, at some sort of strange clothing store, apparently his favorite. You know I'm not going into details, I went in and got out in a few seconds with a pair of jeans, a T-shirt and a hoodie… It was on sale. Though Riku really wished I wouldn't have paid attention to that fact since he was willing to pay for anything. Sometimes that bugged me, a lot I felt like I was just taking advantage of him! I mean he's my best friend! However once he sets his mind to something, he doesn't let up and sadly… he knows each one of my weaknesses, chocolate (Anything with sugar really), and each of my ticklish spots and how I feel about getting embarrassed in a public place and how easy it is to do that. Trust me being curled up on the floor of a store laughing like crazy is not something I like many people to see.

Score so far: Riku 1, Sora 0.

…It was nowhere near as bad as how our dinner went… Riku had this thing about eating classy while he was downtown… I don't know where he got the money to pay for all this but he just had money. I swear he kept a hundred dollars in each of his socks and five hundred in his wallet. I wouldn't be surprised to open on of his shampoo or conditioner bottles and finding money in there as well. WHERE THE HELL DID HE GET THIS MONEY FROM!? I mean as far as I knew he didn't have a part time job, unless he was working at a str-

Okay I'm stopping that thought RIGHT there not going into it LALALALALALA NOT LISTENING TO IT! My mind is not thinking about it at all! Nope not one bit… but was he?

OH GOD BAD MIND BAD MIND STOP IT STAY AWAY FROM THERE!

…Where was the plastic tray to the back of the head when I needed it?

Okay let's skip over the rest of that it basically involved Riku thinking I lost it, realizing he didn't just think it he knew it… Eventually he just watched me from the corner of his eye and slowly drank his pop not really paying attention as I hit myself with the menu… Then whatever else I had that was hard and flat… When I started using the table he simple picked his drink up and continued looking wherever he felt like… I think the workers started taking bets on how long before I knocked myself out. Then again I also believed Riku was counting how many brain cells I was losing, making me half tempted to ask him what he was up to so far, I was also very sure that he had asked me a few times why I was hitting myself in the head, but I didn't want to answer him that thought might have seeped back into my brain… The Forbidden Thought.

Alright so after I killed most of my brain cells, and after I was sure the Zombie Apocalypse was not going to come yet, I was convinced that the day was not yet over… I'd survived half a day so far… The world sometimes doesn't turn fast enough.

"Well we got at least an hour before meeting up with the group," Riku said as we walked back to his car it was still light out… This world clearly did not like me to much it wanted me to continue to suffer this day, "Some new games came out you want to hit a game store for a bit?"

Video Games… Being a teenage boy having those two words in a sentence combined with "new" and "store" was possibly one of the best things possible. So the only answer that could possibly work was "Hell yes" however my simple "Sure" still worked.

Remember what I said about Zombie Apocalypses, Aliens, Werewolves and Vampires and basically everything else?

Yeah never have those fears while shopping for games with Riku.

First game he got, and talked my into getting was a game for my computer… Left 4 Dead. I mean it even says right on the back these exact words: "FOUR SURVIVORS in an epic struggle… fighting HORDES of SWARMING ZOMBIES. Can you survive the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?"

…Why do you get someone who currently is paranoid that zombies are out to take over the world that game? I MEAN SERIOUSLY!? DOES HE WANT ME TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!? Then he goes and uses his award winning "You can't resist me" smile to make sure I can't deny him!

What game does he get next? Fallout 3.

I mean I agree the Fallout franchise is pretty kick butt, I mean in this game you can propel teddy bears at people's heads… AND THEY WILL DIE. I MEAN COME ON THAT'S PRETTY AWESOME! When you're a teenage boy, with a love for gaming and you're told you can kill someone with a Teddy Bear gun!? KIKC BUTT RIGHT THERE! I'm not sure how many of you have PLAYED Fallout 3 though… It's really creepy. I mean really really creepy. It has its moments that are brilliant but it's still very very CREEPY.

So what next? On his list of cause Sora Heart Attack Games?

To my surprise he got himself a copy of the Orange Box, he had been putting getting it off for a while now so it was surprising that he chose now to get it. It didn't seem like Riku to me normally he would have just bought it the day it came out… No clue why he waited THIS long to get it. Either way Team Fortress 2 was fun, but Half-life 2 and Portal really creeped me out… Though Portal was really funny.

Sooo after that we ended up going to the theater yet for some reason the parking lot was full, the theater wasn't far off from Riku's house (luckily) so leaving the car there we just walked back. Few blocks of walking never hurt anyone! Thank God.

We STILL ended up being early at the theater, yet nothing really happened there… We stood around played a round of DDR in the small arcade… For the record Riku won… This round.

Score: Riku 2, Sora 0

The others did eventually (to my relief before Riku found more change to kick my butt again) show up and thus began the movie. I have no opinion I was busy counting how many vampires live in movie theaters and wondering if they turn into bats and hide on the ceiling… Is that piece of gum up there? Ew it is that's really disturbing… So then Vampires must chew gum! THERE WAS NO OTHER EXPINATION! …Wonder what type of gum vampires like… Must use it to freshen their breath having blood breath probably was worse then morning breath. Yes that has to be the answer! A vampire watched a movie got hungry, drank someone's blood, hid the body somewhere and then had a piece of gum but decided not to spit it out in the trash but put it on a the roof in some sick joke! CLEARLY THIS WAS THE EXPLINATION!

…I wonder if goblins live in the popcorn machine… It's probably how they get rid of all the extra popcorn when they close up at night, they hire goblins to eat it… Wonder if they put anything on the popcorn or if they just eat it…What movie was I watching again? All I knew was SOMEONE got the times wrong for the movies, and yet when they pick a movie they had to see that one that night… We didn't get out until at least midnight…

"Come on Sora," Riku said pulling my arm, we were outside, it was cold, it was dark and I'm fairly sure there were some wolves after me… werewolves at that.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Do you want to get to sleep at Two AM?" Riku asked, "We'll call your parents and you'll just stay at my house."

"Alright so why have you pulled me to an alley?" I looked down the long… dark… Alley… Was I on some sort of movie set? I mean are there seriously alley's that just SCREAM "DANGER"!? I MEAN SERIOUSLY!? Who in their right mind thinks 'Hey let's put a long scary alley in the middle of our city!' and who answers 'YEAH LET'S!' to that!? WHO!? Oh wait the Government, no wonder this existed I wouldn't be surprised if it was tax collectors waiting for us.

"This is the fastest way back to my house now come on!"

"Yeah should I find a flashing neon light that says 'Mug me'?" Sarcasm, the other way of saying 'you're an idiot' while trying to be nice. It works for all occasions!

"Who's honestly going to mug us? We'll kick their butts," Riku stated.

"People with knives?" I replied.

"Yeah one word. Keyblade. I don't think a couple of thugs are going to put up more of a fight then a couple of heartless."

"Heartless don't have knives."

"Yeah but they do have claws."

"Not the same."

"Exactly, you can disarm someone with a knife, disarming something with claws is a completely different situation," His use of logic wasn't very logical… And he says I'm weird.

"Well what if they're ninjas?"

"Ee can easily walk from one end of this alley to the other. There are no ninjas here I've checked." I could tell he was smirking at my comments even though I was watching the dark alley I mean seriously it's like where you see Batman rescue some poor girl from a couple of thugs! Only I doubt Batman is going to show up unless he's one of the vampires from the theater!

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because the ninjas that I've met so far all ask me to mug Organization Members and steal their coats," Still smirking, "he had very big, round ears and people seem to love his home videos." (Riku's new term for any Disney Movie, Mickey's Home Video.)

"I thought you said Diz gave you the coat…"

"Where do you think HE got it from?" Riku laughed, "I think I beat up enough members that he simply just cleaned up the mess as I listened to a Mouse… Plus I'm fairly sure Diz had big ears too."

"Yeah now you're pushing it," I stated, "I'm still not going down then I'm telling you it basically needs a sign that says 'Come on in and get yourself mugged by ninjas' and hey with the two of us we probably get a mug one get the other free deal!"

"Yeah come on," Riku began to drag me he made it about five steps with me struggling and yelling when it happened…

"NINJAS!?" Yes we were surrounded by… an army of Ninjas.

"Told you so," I sighed LET THE MUGGING BEGIN!

"Shush you," Riku looked at me then at the Ninjas army that had surrounded us.

"Brrraaaaaiiiinnnnssssss."

"Did that Ninja just say brains?" I asked.

"Brrrraaaaaiiiiinnnnnnsssssss."

"Well that one said it as well," Riku added looking around.

Oh God…

Zombie ninjas. So a Zombie Apocalypse… combined with a Ninja Mugging… Yeah someone out there wants me dead.

"I HAVE AN IDEA!"

"Which idea is this?" Riku looked at me.

"Hang on," Well luckily for me they weren't quick with reflexes Zombie ninjas, that would have made beating one up really hard! Luckily it went down quick with just a "Brains?"

"Sora what the hell are you doing?" I pulled the ninja mask off the zombie… God this sounds like a B Horror Movie come to life… Shoving the mask quickly onto Riku's head.

"There!" I grinned.

"Alright I sure hope there's no zombie in my hair after this," Riku muttered, "Now care to explain this plan."

"You're now a ninja!"

"Right… And this helps how?"

"Simple ninja facts!"

"Oh God this is going to give me a headache."

"One ninja can beat an army of ninjas!"

"…How does that work?"

"Simple! When it comes to ninjas the less you have the better they work! Thus since you're one ninja and they're an army you clearly won't have a problem beating them up!"

"…Where are you getting this!?"

"Did you watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!? Four Ninjas beat an ARMY of ninjas. Thus the law of ninjas state you'll win without problem!"

"FINE!" Riku turned to fight… Then turned back to me, "What if they're equipped with ninja weapons?"

"Like?"

"Brass Knuckles, swords, throwing stars so on and so forth."

"YOU CAN STILL WIN!"

"If I'm going up against them I want a weapon too!"

"FINE!" Another zombie down.

"Yeah umm thanks but…"

"Oh great what is it THIS time?" God only knows why the Zombie Ninjas were waiting through this…

"I can't use Nunchucks," he held one side looking at them.

"FINE" Another zombie down.

"Three Shurikens won't take down an army," Riku stated holding up the small silver stars…

"Fine what weapon DO you want?"

"A sword would be nice."

"USE YOUR KEYBLADE!"

"Ninja's don't use keyblades!"

"Mickey did and he's the only ninja you ever met!"

Riku rolled his eyes, "Fiiiinnnneeeeee."

One quick fight scene between Riku and Ninja Zombies, which I now call the Ninjombies…

"Well that was fun!" Riku said pulling the mask off.

"See my logic in the art of being a Ninja saved us!"

"That and the fact that as zombies they can't do much but say brains a lot," Riku stated… They really didn't do much they tried but they were basically falling over each other.

"Either way we won! How much Experience do we get?" I asked.

"For that fight I don't think we can even get one… Let's just go," Riku started dragging me once more out of the alley. Luckily we had no other random encounters! HUZAH! QUEST CLEARED!

My mind didn't wander until I was alone in Riku's room, it was dark as I sat on the bed and looked up at the large window. I could only imagine at this point that someone sent the Ninjombies after me and that they'd probably attack again tonight and try to just kidnap me by crashing through the window WITH LASER BEAMS FIRING IN EVERY DIRECTION! Thus putting everyone in danger FROM THE LASER BEAMS! And Robotic Star Fish OF DEATH!... WITH LASER BEAMS FOR EYES!... Wait do Star Fish have eyes? You know what I don't actually know I never really paid much attention to sea life...

"Sora what are you doing?" Riku's voice startled me as I thought about the Star Fish… Oh the Star fish… Everyone shall fear it…

"Nothing!" I looked at Riku, his shirt removed… Oh great if he wanted me to do anything my Will power would snap like a twig in no time flat!

"Right you're not being paranoid about the window or anything?" He turned off the lights and walked over sitting beside me on the bed I could make out the outline of his body.

"You know I need to start setting traps in my head with you around." Bear traps around my thoughts that would be helpful at keeping him out of my mind.

"Yep," Riku said, he grabbed me lightly me, pulling me into the bed pushing my body up against his chest.

"I better just head home," I stated.

"Or you could allow me to undress you and you could stay right here like I told your parents you would."

"I don't want to be a-" he cut me off!

"If you say trouble or anything close to that I might have to start taking drastic measures to make sure you get it through your head that I'm enjoying having you here tonight."

I tried to get up… By this point he found away to get my shirt off I could feel his bare chest against my back… Gayness overpowering… Paranoia…

"I really should-" He cut me off… AGAIN!

"Do I need to handcuff you to me?" I could hear a small laugh, "no one's going to touch you here nothing is out to kill you!"

"How do you explain the ninjombies?"

"Freak accident cause by the government and radiation levels?"

"Right…"

"Wrong place at the wrong time but we got out of it now stop worrying."

"Nope to dangerous."

"Sora," He sat up climbing over me… What happened to my pants? I watched his shadow walk across the dark room… hearing something open then close he was back not long after. "This is for your own good, you need sleep and you won't get it if you're left alone and paranoid." A small click, I could feel some sort of metal against my right ankle … OH GOD DID HE HANDCUFF MY ANKLE TO HIS!?

"Riku what are you doing?"

"Calming you down with the fact that for anything to take you out that window it would have to take me as well and I'm not letting you go."

I suddenly had a new fear… There was no random monster outside the window… It was girls from our school with a camera now… Bloody Fangirls.

"…Right," I muttered feeling his chest against my back again as his arm pulled me close, he had dragged some covers over the two of us and... Wait when did he lose his pants? Well I still had my dignity also known as my boxers! …I think… Did I?

On second thought I'm not going to think about that.

"Plus now you can't run away." Was the last thing I heard… Bloody long days knocking me out so quickly… I had to admit though I felt safe… At least for now.

Score: Riku 3, Sora 0

Riku scores and wins.

* * *

A/N: Yes that was a very mean and bad pun to end with. Punderful I know. Yes they live in a very messed up world, I fail at discriptions but hey I aimed this to no be serious and just fun and joke around with it, so on and so forth. Yes I'm serious, Robotic Star Fish of Death.


	3. Extra Driving Around

((Note from Draco: Hey there anyone who reads this congrats you've made it this far through a little trip through my mind. Sadly chapter three is taking its sweet time to get done, mostly because I'm doing two version of it and one version gives me writers block and I have a life outside writing… Okay not really that one was a joke I have no life I sit around and play video games. On top of that it's cold outside the snow goes up to my waist which isn't as much as you'd think it be I'm VERY short. However a few friends of mine lent me some CDs, one of Stellar Kart, and a mix CD that's making me blink and grin evilly plus they're sending me a case load of others and that makes me grin even more easily I think the only way to make this situation is to inject Kingdom Hearts which I'm about to do, and add sugar… Oh look some pop. So what does this mean? You get this little piece of not important info just pure random stuff I pull out. It has nothing to do with the plot line (Wait I have a plot line?) okay time line of the story itself. So this is an extra joke for living this far through the insanity that is Draco. It includes randomness from all over. And probably a lot more insanity that is Draco to an extend of what Draco does with her weekends… Please sign the following:

I will not hold Draco responsible for any brain damage caused by insanity within this fanfiction, I am reading of my own free will and do not intend to inflict harm on others, unless I really feel like it because it's funny to watch people squirm for the headaches caused by looking at pure insanity. I will not hold Draco responsible for any brain damage I inflict on others by using any of the tactics used in the following fanfiction. I will not replace the inside of an Oreo with toothpaste, without getting a video of doing it and a video of the person who ate it. I love the strange things that come out of youtube. I am signing this computer screen of my own free will and I will not use white out to sign my computer screen. I will hug my computer once I sign because it is my friend. I will buy a Thwacking Book by the time I finish this nonsense and Thwack someone over the head. I will start using the work "yoink" everyday. I may or may not hold the Overlord of Squitzerberg for yelling "All Hail The Overlord of Squitzerberg" The Overlord of Squitzerberg awesome. This is probably a lot longer and had nothing to do with what I'm about to read but I'll sign it anyways because I want to get on with the insanity. I just realized this is part of the insanity. I will follow the advice of experts and hug at least one Riku or Sora a day to get my minimum dose of Kingdom Hearts.

Sign here: ____________________________

Now begins the insanity… Followed by a light salad.))

* * *

PARANOIA PARANOIA EVERYBODIES COMING TO GET ME!

JUST SAY YOU NEVER MET ME!

Out of all the bloody songs he could play he had to pick THIS ONE?

_I'm running under ground with the moles_

_Digging big holes_

Who plays this song around people who ARE PARANOID!?

_Hear the voices in my head_

_I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring_

_But if you're bored then you're boring_

_The agony and the irony, they're killing me._

Oh now it makes sense "Irony" my one mortal enemy… Least I'm not hearing voices in my head… yet…

"I'm not sick but I'm not well!"

Beside me on the other hand, that's a different story. Let me catch you all up to speed. I'm stuck in a car, up against the car door to be exact, clinging to the seat for my life. Riku is currently hyper, driving and head banging. You know the phrase "Don't let friends drive drunk"? When it comes to people like Riku don't let them drive on sugar either. There he was head banging, singing along to the song… while driving on a highway… Paranoia kill me now because he's going to at this rate.

"And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell!"

Head insert to window in three… two… one.

"Sora what the hell are you doing to my window?" Riku finally snapped out of it at the soft screams of brain cells committing suicide… Well there goes my IQ. Though why he can hear the screams of my brain cells and not my screams of pure terror I'll never know.

"Praying for this to end soon," I muttered.

"The songs over I didn't know you hate Lit that much," Riku commented as I heard the last line of the song fade off.

"I don't fear the band, I fear you driving to their music it's about as fun as driving while you're listening to Staples, at least that song describes what I get to go through. I swear you're going to crash and kill us one of these days," I muttered. ((Good job to anyone who got the Staple song joke.))

"Don't worry I always watch the road even when I'm going insane, I'm not gonna let my driving kill you, your paranoia is perfectly capable of that," Riku chuckled… However he's right… wonder how long before the ninjas, zombies, vampires, werewolves, companion cubes, and my personal favorite that one guy with the face that was just there catch up to me and attack me.

"I'm going to go back to hitting my head on the window," I replied, returning to the soft sound of my head coming into contact with the thick glass.

"Blue brain cell is about to die," He's grinning isn't he? Can someone check for me? I don't want to stop staring at the dark road. I CAN FEEL HIS GRIN ON MY BACK! It's like his glare, I swear his grin makes you shrink in fear and suddenly all attention is on you as the world comes crashing down around you, his glare either shoots laser beams or snaps spines. I don't think I have a picture of Riku on my computer where I didn't Photoshop it to make his eyes glow red and wrote 'Pew Pew Pew' in large letters.

"Insane Driver ran over the food," I muttered back.

"This is why I'm happy we don't play with friendly fire on," Riku replied again.

"Hey you want to go play some Left 4 Dead. I'll show you why it got its name!" I growled. If I turned off the sound I wouldn't even hear his characters tell me to stop beating them with the shotgun.

"I always have to save you, you startle the witch every bloody time."

"Least I got the Burn the Witch Achievement and I'm a good tank!"

"If by tank you mean person who requires the most med packs and pain killers used on them then yes, yes you are."

"You're evil."

"I know, comes with the skin tight leather in my closet."

"…Skin tight leather makes you evil?"

"And gay."

"Okay the gay part makes sense at least." I agreed there. I best admit now, I am thankful that he had that skin tight leather now how else would I have found out about the wonderful world of Riku and what he does… Okay I know you're all grinning I'm stopping there that's what you get for having dirty minds… Wait if I stop now… you'll think it's worse then it actually is… OH MY GOD WHAT DO YOU THINK I DO AT NIGHT!? … On second thought don't answer that I'm starting to value what sanity I have left… However to set you straight I'll tell you what I do at night. Well first we *Censor * then when that's in place we *Censor * finally we move onto the pack of *Censor * this is the tricky part! At this point both of us remove our *Censor * and then we happily drink hot chocolate and balance the stick on a *Censor * that's about it. We then describe our relationship using clothing. No I'm serious. Let me break it down nice and easy. Riku is the shirt in the relationship; I am the pair of pants in the relationship. For you see, pants go on the bottom and the shirt goes on top. MAKES SENSE DOESN'T IT!? You all know that was entertaining and you'll forever describe it like that now! I KNEW IT! I could go much deeper into that but that would involve more censors and even then would go past our current rating and scar many people for life. As fun as scaring innocent minds- wait what am I saying you've made it this far… NONE OF YOU ARE INNOCENT ANYMORE!

Anyways, I normally use these rides home with Riku for one thing, to remember the most stupid things we've talked about before. Don't you all feel lucky now YOU GET BAD FLASHBACKS THAT MAKE NO SENSE! For example one time in a band room there was another group that joined ours, we were to teach them and then was to enter a festival with them. Within that time several conversation happened. One was about Coke, I was talking to Riku at the time the conversation lead to us nodding towards the conductor, it basically was this:

'Who drinks Coke Zero?'

'He hoards it'

'Does he even like it?'

'I don't know'

'I think it's because he knows I won't touch it. He knows by now the second he brings Coke into the area I'll know and I will find it.'

Riku's obsession with real Coke went fairly far to the point the conductor always made comments, same with his love of regular chips. I once heard the Conductor say 'Every time I go shopping I have to think about your crazy demands of "Real" coke and regular chips.' Another time he met Riku in the morning for morning rehearsals, Riku hates getting up early so add that to this conversation when they talked about morning classes.

"What's a block negative one?"

"Morning class"

"Oh that would suck"

"Yeah it does"

"Well depends it might be fun"

"Let's put it this way, know how I am on Band Early Days?"

"Yeah"

"Think of that me every single day"

"I'd run out of money for coke"

Another time we were all getting a drink after eating sugar since we were to play our instruments, for those who don't know, if we don't get a drink we ruin our instruments but we refuse to show up for a long time on our own time in a cramped room with people we don't know without getting a bribe. I had walked to the back and everyone was cheering and talking to Riku who had a cup in the head, my one comment to another member was 'What the hell is he doing?' the response was that he was drinking out of a cup that has no bottom. Riku's response to that was 'No it has a broom it's just half way off.' At this point we all started chanting 'Go' over and over as one member suggested for him to drink from the bottom of the cup to get more water. By the end of it the last comment was 'Anyone else notice all our band bonding time comes from getting drinks of water?'

I once stuck a gold fish in my ear and told Riku that I couldn't hear him because I had a fish in my ear… I don't think he ever got off of that… Let's find out… For the record I'm talking about the snack food, not a live fish… I DO HAVE SOME STANDARDS!

By this time Riku was singing again.

"What I can't hear you I've got a fish in my ear?"

"…Again?"

"I'm not sure where I even got it from!"

FACEPALM GO!

Okay so apparently Riku does remember that time…

…Where were we driving in the first place? You know what I don't want to know it'll just cause headaches. It'll lead to some sort of music war between Riku and myself. I remember once I had asked where we were going, he had wanted to keep our destination a secret from me so simply told me "We're halfway there." Somehow those simple few words started a musical war, it didn't help that I had Livin' on a Prayer stuck in my head when I had replied "It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not." Sadly that had started his reply streak of "Take my hand we'll make it I swear." You can sort of guess where the conversation went from there.

I guess I should explain why Riku is hyper… It's a long story but apparently you have time! I'll be nice and cut out the boring parts. Follow these simple steps on how to make a hyper Riku.

Step One: get a Riku.

Step Two: get a slide show of really random pictures you happened to have found

Step Three: Take the theme "our family vacation" and apply to slide show

Step Four: get a dark room

Step Five: Get some chocolate syrup

Step Six: Get a projector and screen

Step Seven: Get a shot glass

Step Eight: Give the Riku a can of coke

Step Nine: Set up projector, screen, slide show and put Riku in the dark room

Step Ten: Remove can of coke

Step Eleven: Fill shot glass with chocolate syrup

Step Twelve: Give to Riku

Step Thirteen: chant "Chug" as much as you can.

Step Fourteen: Show slide show

Step Fifteen: See what comes out

Warning: This is a danger to everyone and everything that exists. This could cause the end of the world. ((I seriously did this, I was the one chugging the chocolate at the time later I used it as dip for popcorn… I don't know what was going on that night, I think we watched Spider Man 3 with the commentary of our own group. It involved ice cream covered in things that would make most people want to throw up… For example we couldn't find caramel sauce… So we used pudding instead. Then we did the slide show thing, needed a better built group but it's a fun game.))

That's basically the entire story. We played Eagle Eye… I learned an important lesson… Riku's not allowed to play Fallout…EVER AGAIN. You have no clue how creepy it is when he decides to act like a Vault Boy in the dark. For those of you who have never heard of Eagle Eye, we play it in the dark. You get someone in the middle of the room with a flash light up on a chair. Everyone else starts at the walls and needs to try to touch the chair. The person in the middle who has the "eagle eye" view calls out who they see moving, but can only catch someone moving while the flashlight is pointed at them. If caught the person went back to the wall. My issue, I was made it… Do you have any idea how creepy it is to do that when you're PARANOID OF EVERY LIVING THING!? Not to mention I'd turn away from Riku and he'd kept getting closer with the Vault Boy grin, thumbs up and the wink… I swear it was like he was going to devour my soul… Wait where is my soul? …

OH MY GOD RIKU ATE MY SOUL!'

…What's rummaging paper? …Oh it's Riku. I turned towards him his hand reaching between the seats looking for something.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Looking for my thwacking book."

"Why?"

"You have that paranoid out of control look. What's scaring you this time?"

"You ate my soul."

"That's probably true I do have a taste for souls don't think I had that demonic need though tonight. Maybe I did and that's why I don't have a craving for a soul right now. Why am I a demon that wants to eat your soul in the first place? You probably eat enough sugar that's it's a cookie… Mmm soul flavored cookie, we could start our own store and sell Soul Cookies, they're like fortune cookies only better! FOUND IT!" He pulled out a large hard covered book. It was less then an inch thick but clearly very strongly built. He quickly thwacked me over the head after his sarcastic rant. "No more paranoia."

"Ow," I muttered, he never hit hard, if he did then I'd probably be knocked out.

"Now then can I have the iPod to find a song I like to listen to?"

"No you're gonna play another song having to do with my paranoia just to annoy me," I replied holding the speakers we used to play our iPods close to myself.

"Need I remind you I'm on a sugar high and thus don't have to think straight and that I know where you're ticklish? I have no issue pulling over and getting those speakers away from you." He raised an eyebrow.

"I'll stuff it up my shirt."

"Yeah because that's sooo hard to retrieve," Sarcasm filed under Riku.

"Fine then down my pants!"

"Like that's ever stopped me before!"

"In my boxers?"

"Are you asking me to touch you?"

"Maybe," I'm hoping you all saw this coming.

"…Maybe when we get to our destination," Riku replied thinking about it, "Either way those speakers are easy to get away from you. I have no issue being perverted after having chocolate shots."

"Your dignity is on the line."

"Yours on the other hand is long gone and besides tinted windows unless people were really trying they won't see what I'm doing to you," Riku is starting to creep me out, "however you'd be busy enjoying it. Now then MUSIC!"

"I get to choose the song."

Riku stared out the window stopping the car for a bit… What's he staring at? I watched him for a while his eyes never leaving a single spot with a 'What is that?' look. I eventually couldn't help but look. Please don't let this psychological trick catch you.

"YOINK!" Riku's voice was sudden as he stole the speakers with his thieveing skill of tricking a victim who had no clue what was going on at the time. I went to check what he was staring at all while the speakers left my hand. For the record, it was… a Burger King. Fasten your seat belts we're in for a WILD RIDE! You know the Burger King himself always scared me, I mean the commercials were basically him mugging people then giving the loved ones a Whopper to make up for the fact that he just mugged someone. Great now I'm paranoid he's stalking me too… he's probably hiding in Riku's trunk.

Least he chose a good song this time.

* * *

A/N: Yeah a just for fun chapter, but then again that's what this Fan-Fiction is really about. Anyways next up will be the two version of Chapter 3, I'm slowly stringing them together. Been having a bad couple of weeks reacently, hopefully things will start looking up. New semester starts this week for me, and I'll have some extra time during it. I get to program video games this semester and do history of cinema! WE FUN TIMES! Not to mention go to Vancouver for five days. And I get to see some of my favorite bands live! So seems like things are starting to look up. I have tickets for VGL (Any Video game fan should go see this not even kidding Video Games Live is a BRILLIANT show hearing those songs done live is just BRILLIANT! It makes me want to play games I don't even like! Hearing Kingdom Hearts music live, made me cry it was so good and that's hard to do), getting tickets to go see Relient K, RED, Hawk Nelson, Panic Squad (Well they're a comedy group that's good), Toby Mac, Thousand Foot Krutch. So I'll have a really good time not to mention it's with a group of friends. That is if I don't get threatened again by one person. Plus we've started planning our trip to Disney World, even though I'm starting to regret turning down the tour though Europe with my friends but I had a choice at the time it was Europe with people I don't know that well during my week of 'Take a break you're about to enter stress again' or go to Disney World with my Family. I've also been invited to join a music group doing Phantom of the Opera not sure if I'll take it. As I said things are starting to look up for me again. Let's hope the rest of my problems sor themselves out. Sorry for the little rant here, just trying to sort everything out. I'll update soon, leave some comments to let me know what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong or even if you want more.

Thanks for Reading, hope you all are having a good day or will have a good day. I hope I made you laugh at some point in this insanity. As I said I'll try to get back on track and get chapter 3 up.

-Dracowolf


End file.
